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Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business
About a month ago, I received this email.
Crazy right? This girl can’t be telling me what I think she’s telling me…RIGHT? WRONG. This girl I have never met, with zero mutual friends, is writing me to tell me she heard my story, read my words, and figured out my lying cheating ex-partner has done it again. He has asked a second person to commit to him for the rest of eternity without him holding up his end of the bargain. Hard to believe that someone can have such huge balls to commit the cardinal sin more than once.
First of all, not to be rude, but isn’t that Karma? (Also notice Karam and Karma are close…coincidence? I THINK NOT.) I never once have used his name in any of my writing or discussions of him. I almost felt bad that I described my situation so well that someone was able to just guess. This was almost humorous to me that I have done my absolute best to keep his identity a secret and people can still figure it out. Like yes, I used pictures of him, but blurred his face. Am I a terrible human? No, no, no snap out of it. Actions have consequences, and this is a prime example of the universe delivering consequences.
So, in the middle of recording my podcast with some favorite humans I got the email above and that all familiar “I’m going to vom” feeling came right up. Even after a year and a half, the solid foundation under me felt like it crumbled. I immediately responded and asked her to text me, because I hadn’t fully digested the message quite yet. And, let’s be real I want to know. Anyone in my position would want to know. Yes, it’s a little (a lot) drama filled but isn’t that why you all read this train wreck? Because it keeps you on the edge, you never know what could happen, and you never want to miss an update.
She finally texts me and tells me all the details. Somewhere in the conversation she starts telling me about the people he’s cheated on this new fiance with and how they are going to confront new fiancé if he doesn’t tell her himself. He begged them to have the opportunity to tell his new fiancé. RED FLAG. Manipulators have one rule in their playbook: never lose control of the narrative. He doesn’t want anyone else breaking their way into the story he is going to tell. Let’s be completely clear here—he will tell her something and it will not be the truth, that you can guarantee. But to her he is the honest one in the scenario, the man with baggage that will overcome. I’m sure he tells her some version of our story where he is the hero—I’m rude and inconsiderate, and I write this blog now that is all a lie.
That’s exactly what he told her.
After, he told one of the women he cheated on her with to kill herself because she ruined his relationship, his career, and his life. It makes me ill to think about how that girl felt. She was convinced by this man to do something intimate with him—something you should feel lovely about. In the end he convinced his new fiancé and the women that he cheated on her with that my blog is all a lie. Huh, interesting since he is caught up in the same scenario once again.
Initially when I heard that he says it’s all a lie, I was upset. Like a debilitating upset. He tells people I’ve lied about everything. When I have been painfully vulnerable, I have been emotionally abused, I’ve been healing from a traumatic experience. People like him most likely will never change. I tried to remember what chump lady said. This is not a “pick me” dance. His new fiancé has not changed him, and he is the same old cheater he was. “You’re changed? No. I’m changed. The new person here is me. I discovered you played me for a chump. This knowledge has transformed me. Shattered me and put me back together in new ways.”
This one is for you New Fiancé. I hope you gain the courage to look past his bullshit someday. You are a force in this word. I know it is hard to leave. But let’s get real: You deserve an undying, faithful love from someone who has the capacity to treat you with respect. He is not that person. You can shine your bright ass light without him. And if you ever need me, I’m here and am happy to listen.