The first 48 hours after finding out my partner had been unfaithful defined how I would move forward. The main thing I remember feeling during those 48 hours was “I’m going to throw up”. That was pretty much consistent, went well past the 48 hours.
Keep in mind the numbers were still a bit off in the first 48 hours, I didn’t quite know the extent to which I was being lied to. Like, okay guys…. REALLY lied to. But, none the less I decided that separating from that person was the best way to move forward.
Don’t millennials always get shit for not being decision makers? We can’t decide what we want for dinner, where we want to go hang out, what time we want to make plans. But, if you have to be decisive about one thing, for the love of God, be decisive about how much you’re worth. Here’s a list of decisions I had to make in 48 hours.
1. Separate from this person I had spent 4 years of life with.
2. Take my wedding ring off.
3. Tell my Family.
4. Announce it on social media. (I got some flack for that one)
5. Let go of a toxic friendship with one of my closest friends.
6. Don’t accept their lies because you are afraid of knowing the truth.
7. Investigate (I was a private fucking eye, man)
8. My happiness is more important to me than anyone else’s.
9. I don’t trust my partner.
10. Be painfully vulnerable and honest with others about what transpired, because hiding it would make me go back, even if the truth will hurt my partner.
11. Don’t change your mind.
12. Move to a new apartment.
13. No seriously don’t change your mind.
14. Ask for help, from everyone.
15. Be with my family.
16. Don’t change your mind.
17. Don’t let someone take advantage of your kindness.
18. Don’t let anyone dim your bright ass light.
19. Move Forward.
Some things I was indecisive or dumb about. I didn’t eat—probably for a week—and I love eating…if you’ve ever seen me eat sushi you’d know. The first night I went out afterwards was to Sushi with friends (told you I really like sushi). We were drinking, eating, telling stories and a waitress asked what we were celebrating. We dodged the question a couple times when she asked “Birthday, Anniversary? No really what?” and my drunk ass yelled “My husband cheated on me with thirty people!” I didn’t cry, I laughed, and she felt so bad. She even brought us free cake! So, pro tip, you don’t just have to have a birthday to get free cake. It did have a sparkler in it but it seemed like maybe a giant gaping hole of sadness would have been more appropriate.
I didn’t sleep because all I did when I laid in bed was think about what happened on Oct 20th when we got in that fight when I was in Chicago. Or that one time he lied about having snapchat. Or that one time the camera in our house that I used to watch my giant lab “Sarge” eat my throw pillows, magically got unplugged. Or that one time when I found a Victoria secret tag on the floor that I was positive wasn’t mine—I’m certainly not a size small. Or simply how many people you fucked in the bed I’m trying to sleep in. Did she use my pillow? Did she actually sleep here? DID SHE FUCKING SNUGGLE WITH MY DOGS. Literally SO MANY things. Imagine your brain on a treadmill of horrible red flags you overlooked and you’re falling into an abyss of excuses and bullshit that you accepted because you loved another person more than yourself.
I wasted time on the stupid worry and pain, letting someone pull me into a darkness they lived in. I counted all the red flags I missed for months. I thought about what was wrong with me, how I could overlook all of these things. I stopped counting red flags when I read these words from Chump Lady “Your cheater had an entire decision tree of options, beginning with difficult conversation, therapy, and divorce lawyers. They didn’t choose those things—they made a deliberate choice to fuck other people and lie to you about it” And I realized that I love myself. And that I will never be in control of anyone else’s actions, that people choose to deceive people they love.
Suddenly I was thankful for those 48 hours in which my biggest decision was to announce on Facebook that my partner had cheated. I was letting reality take control and propel me forward. There were no more red flag excuses to hide behind. And I started living the life I deserve.