DON'T PANIC!

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I’m writing this a day after I saw my ex-spouse and his new/current girlfriend in public for the first time. It was at Panic! At the Disco, I should have known. We were even joking about it when we got there. And yes, We will write about the girlfriend thing another time. Guys, the “I’m going to vomit” feeling came right on back. At that moment I was in the mindset that I would never have to see him again. But, it wasn’t always that way. We should probably rewind to how I felt a month into finding out about the extreme infidelity my partner had committed.

If you don’t know me here’s a bit about me. I’m a people pleaser. I often do things because I know it will make someone else happy. I try to be a selfless as possible. This isn’t me putting myself on a pedestal, but it’s me being frank about who I am. I like making people happy, it makes me happy. When my partner cheated obviously I left, obviously we fought, obviously there were harsh words. I loved that man. I thought it was likely that he loved me and just had a problem. I’m still not sure I suppose. So, after he moved out, I tried my best to be a supportive human. On day two we sat together, he cried, I cried, and I promised to help him, to get through it and get it done fast and clean. I held his hand, told him he would be okay. I told him that if there had to be someone he did this to, he did it to one strong woman. A month into it I was trying to text him, make sure he was doing okay. I also thought hopefully he would be thinking about me. I wasn’t at all thinking about myself.

It's pretty delusional to think that you can be friends with someone who tears your heart into pieces and doesn’t even bother fighting to get you back. When I left, he didn’t try to call, text, apologize…nothing! He just told me he hadn’t been happy, made excuses and never told me the truth. I thought I had a full proof plan. That we would run away together to New Zealand, leave everything behind and start over. If he had the chance to start clean he would never hurt me again, right? (you're an idiot past Aime.)Who needs friends, or family. I have a sick cheater husband that obviously loves me. Ohhhh Aime, I’m so glad you bucked the fuck up. I had these sick fantasies of still being with this person! WHAT?! WHO DOES THAT? He couldn’t even look at me. But I would text him telling him that I hoped he was well. We would talk about how he was feeling. I would let him get angry at me and make excuses for him because he was sad. But when I was sad, he would tell me to get help.

Him “I CANT FIT THAT SHIT IN MY APARTMENT I’M NOT TAKING ALL OF THAT SHIT I ALREADY TOLD YOU”

Me: Oh okay, well I just thought it might be nice to have. Would you like to sell them? I had left all those things for you to pick up. Then you can keep the money.

Him: “RAAAWRRR NO”

Me: “I’ll clean the whole house and be an adult and talk to the landlords and coordinate everything, can you just clean the garage?”

Him—never cleans the garage.

Okay I’m a bit dramatic but the first and second lines are real life. Now that I look back on it, why would I allow someone to make me feel a certain way? Our hearts are funny things. We want so desperately to hold onto love even if its dysfunctional because we have this deep seeded fear of being alone. I’ve never been scared to admit that. I’ve never been to a movie alone. That still sounds fucking awful. I had never gone on a vacation alone, got over that for sure. I never thought of this common sense concept “being alone and happy is better than being with someone and being miserable”. I also think it’s something you learn as you get older. I will never need someone to complete me, only compliment me. Because what I have to offer the world is beautiful on it’s own. It is whole. I am whole. I hope you know you are whole as well.

People got really tired of hearing we were trying to be friends.  Eventually my coworker texted my ex-partner and told him we can’t be friends anymore. I pretty sure she ended it with “upwards and onwards”….He should have known it wasn’t me, who says that? He always ended with a very dramatic “goodbye”. When my coworker did that for me, she helped me take the hardest most important step: pushing negative energy out of my life. There was no way I was going to be able to hit send on that text. She was pushing a toxic person away. She gave me the power of never having to see him again. I do that with everything I find to be toxic now. Friends, relationships…doesn’t matter. If it doesn’t help my light shine, I refuse to waste my energy on it. Don't waste your energy on people who don't lift you up. I promise you'll be happier if you don't.

BUT, throwback to the Panic! At the Disco concert and there he is with his new boo thing wearing clothes I bought him 4 years ago at JC Penny’s. I tucked and rolled outta there. I don’t think he saw me. I took a few minutes, a few breaths, talked to some friends about it, and then got back to it. Also, I had a wonderful friend with me. She let me take a breather, and went with the flow. Surround yourself with those people. I refuse to let another human being be in control of how I feel. Maybe for a few minutes, sure. It’s a choice. It shook me up, but I moved on. The next day I woke up with a slight wine hangover but my bright ass light was shining.