You know when you have a burning hate for something? I don’t really, other than people that suck at driving. Or sometimes I yell at my dog when he eats the couch. Well, a coworker and friend of mine was giving me advice about my recent separation. I was telling him that I didn’t want to let go, that I could be my partner’s friend and we could help each other move on.  We tried that and I’ll write another blog juuuust for that. (As I’m typing I’m sure I also thought pigs would fucking fly) My friend told me that sometimes I must let that deep burning hate drive my decisions. I don’t want to say he was right, because I don’t think I’ll ever say I hated my partner. I still don’t. I wish I did, that would be easier.

When I first left my partner, even though I made the decision to leave, it wasn't as easy as cutting the cord. What he did was horrible, but of course I still loved that person. I'm sure a part of me still does, and that's okay. I'm in a weird situation. I think I was with someone who has some issues beyond being a serial cheater. I think he truly wanted to be in love and share life with someone. In those first weeks when I was alone I would consider calling him, telling him about my day. I often thought about what reconciliation would look like. Thankfully, I came to my senses and realized my own self worth. I also realized I wasn't the person that could solve his problems. Often times when I felt the most lost, those moments of hate would boil over. All I wanted was to yell in his face, or throw something, break a dinner plate or some shit. And I remember a specific day that was particularly angry and I sat with my lawyer. 

 I was in her office for a meeting and she asked if I had any questions. My first and very important question was “Can I light his ass up on social media?” I had posted about it, but not given the gory details . She obviously said that was a bad idea. Some would argue that I’m doing that, I disagree. In fact when my partner and I were trying to be friends he told me to light his ass up if it would make me feel better, if that’s what I needed to do to move forward.  I didn’t, and I have plenty of things I could use to do it.

Ultimately the moral of the story is that that burning hate inside of you won’t make you feel better. I chose to dedicate my time to something more productive. Cooking, Sleeping, Exercising, being with people I love, praying, okay and not so productive on Tinder (you already read about that I can't lie now). Nothing is going to change what someone else did. If you share it all with the hopes of hurting someone else, you’re doing it wrong. It won’t make you feel better. It won’t make your light shine brighter. It’s best to decide against spiteful actions. Down the road you’ll regret it.

Eventually I stopped using the #FuckCheaters bit too. I knew it made him feel bad, and I felt bad. At one point he told me that I did what I did out of vengeance. By telling people what he did online and reaching out to those women (refer to previous post) I was getting revenge. He actually used that word-vengeance . It has never really been a word in my vocabulary. It sounds disgusting saying it. After getting this note from him, I went into a dark place. I was still believing his lies. I had no idea how to help, or what to do.  I went back to thinking it was my fault. In my current mindset I know it was just pulling me deeper into manipulation. Making his problem actually mine aka gas lighting. I didn't ruin these relationships, he did.  Don't let someone control your emotions like I let him control mine during our relationship and in the start of our break up.

I’m not interested in building myself up while simultaneously putting someone down. I wish the best for that person I honestly do. I hope they take the necessary steps to start becoming true to themselves. But I will not keep his secret. That isn't my responsibility. He needs to confront the truth, I share that with other people. Am I mad at him? For sure…Am I devastated? For sure…But does that mean he should burn in hell…no. No one deserves to live in a darkness they feel they can’t get out of. And for a portion of that process I made him feel that way. I regret it.I don't regret reaching out and figuring out the truth. I will NEVER regret taking ownership of how I move forward.

I don’t think he will ever read this, but if he does here’s a tid bit for him. I’m sorry for hurting you. Everyone has times where they want and need to be selfish. I never meant to put you down to build myself up. I think I’m on a more positive path now. I’m self-reliant, and I can let my bright ass light shine without putting yours out.