T IS FOR TINDER
Yup, I did it. I downloaded Tinder. This is the blog post you don’t want to read if you’re related to me or think of me as a 7-year-old girl still. Sorry again, Dad. No one share this link with my Dad. Forewarning. A very real part of this has been concluding that my partner didn’t cheat on me because I’m fat, ugly, or have bad hair. It’s a natural reaction to—I don’t know how many people my partner slept with but it was a lot. Also, this will come in a later post, but the women he attempted to court were STUNNING. God bless em, I just don’t look like that. So it didn't help you guys!
We are going to start this post with the ABC’s of Tinder.My friend Laura, who’s an elementary school teacher told me it would be perfect for the blog…so let’s give it a whirl
AIRPORT-That time I had way too strong feelings for someone that lived far away. Went to pick him up at the airport and he was a no show…awkward.
BEER- I’m ecstatic and surprised when someone can ask to do something other than “Grab a beer”
CHARTUTERIE- Top 3 tinder dates, the guy made me a platter of charcuterie after our date… (me looking away in shame)
DIVORCED- At what point do you tell them you’re divorced, at first it was like right away. Hey! I’m Aime, I’m divorced and fucked up. But now it’s been a little bit so I wait until date 2 or 3. Pro Tip right there.
ENTREPRENEUR- When you call yourself an entrepreneur on Tinder are you actually just saying you don’t have a job?
FALLING ON MY FACE- Fell on my face at the start of a date with a really cute guy who was also a dope ass chef. Refer to Charcuterie mention. It didn’t affect the outcome of the date. I’m a ten, guys.
GHOSTING-The number one cause of no second date.
HONESTY-Something I’ve realized is rarer than I think. Hey, if you’re not into it or just want a one-night stand why not just be honest? Why lie?
INSECURITY- Getting over it and realizing you’re stunning, you’re a ten, and it’s okay to go out there and prove that your looks aren’t the reason the man cheated.
JACK, JACOB, JOHN—Half the dudes on tinder are named these three names I swear to you.
KISSING-People aren’t always good at it, don’t keep kissing them because you’re lonely. Real talk.
LONELINESS-The whole reason most people download tinder.
MURDER-Every man I met, I started with please don’t murder me.
NUDES- Don’t send em. It’s not worth not knowing who has what photos of you. Don’t test your luck. —This isn’t a nod to a particular situation, just something I think about, and people ask a lot!
OFFER-Far too many dudes are real quick to offer you the D…
P…eh you know this one is Penis Let’s get real. Can dudes stop sending unwarranted pictures of it?
QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS- Don’t go on a first date in your apartment, pro tip.
REALITY-No one is on tinder to find the love of their life, don’t act like you are.
SNAKE GUY-The guy that told me his spirit animal was a snake and went on for 20 minutes about his special bond with his roommates “docile boa constrictor” in college.
THERAPIST- I went once, and the only advice he gave was “just don’t go sleeping with a bunch of people” (In a more professional manner) Okay therapist. Got the message albeit a little late.
UNEXPECTED- One person I matched with was the most unexpected, and lovely part of my Tinder experience so far. We'll talk more about him in a bit.
VAGINAL VIRGIN GUY-The guy that told me he had exclusively butt sex because, Jesus.
WASTE-The time and energy I sometimes waste on the dates that I know won’t turn into something when I could be with the people I love every day.
XTRA-Fuck this Xtra letter I have nothing to attribute it to.
YOU’RE SINGLE?- When dudes realize I’m great and don’t know why I’m single. Then I say yeah well here I am!
ZEALOUS- Like sometimes I’m overzealous on how many dates I can go on in a week. Go read a book Aime stop going on horrible dates.
Tinder hasn’t been all that bad. I met a human being worth knowing (doesn’t hurt that he’s low key gorgeous too.) We aren’t dating, but, every time I have doubts about the possibility of finding that 10 I’m reminded, oh, he exists. We talk often, he reminds me not to settle just by his presence. It was like the universe wanted to say—AIME THESE DOPE ASS MEN EXIST. Our message thread is still on my Tinder at the bottom. Most of the time it’s the only one there. When I get lonely and download Tinder again I’m reminded that there are people like him out there. While Tinder has been a shit show I’m thankful for the one positive outcome so far, a new friend who encourages me to let my bright ass light shine.
Here are a few examples of how men try to court women (specifically me) on tinder. These were quick no's.