I started my week out with a good heave cry. My mind has been focused on how different my life is compared to just a year ago. It's about to be a year since the "reunion". 9.1.17. And what better way to start then to immediately show me as a bride. This is the blog post that you don’t read if you’re remotely interested in me romantically. Seriously, don’t read it, don't look at the photo gallery. But, now’s the time to show yourself because I’m ready for a hot dude and some great charm in my life. It’s going to sound shallow, but I guess I don’t really give a fuck. I’m livid that I wasted my one chance at a HUGE wedding on a shit bag. Can we all just admit that? If you know me, you know I love planning, and I love planning parties. It ties in with the people pleasing part of me. Also, if you recently met me and you didn’t know me with my partner, seeing these will kinda jolt you I think. If you didn't know me last year, this is an opportunity to visualize exactly where I was in life one year ago. I was planning a major life event, ready to spend the rest of my life with someone. REPEAT I went from thinking i'd be with someone for REST of my life to never again.
Now here I am. On Monday I pawned my wedding bands. Last Wednesday I gave away my Kate Spade Champagne flutes that say "to have and to hold", to my friends that are getting married next year. Tonight I'm selling my wedding dress. The past 8 months I've burned decor, ring boxes, thank you notes, cards. I wanted to burn the dress, but I can't imagine getting rid of something so beautiful so violently. I'm emotionally drained even though it seems like it happened a lifetime ago.
I wasn’t the girl that grew up dreaming of her wedding. My family always joked that I would probably get married in the back yard. As I got closer and closer with my partner this magical concept of sharing our love in a big way just became more natural. On our first trip to Tahoe together he said, “We have to get married here” That was two years before we actually got married. From the start it was apparent that he and I were going to be together. When we were touring venues in Spring of 2017 we got to the top of Northstar, looked at each other and knew that was it. It didn't matter how much it cost, this is where we would get er done. I had a passionate connection with my partner. I don't think that was made up. At the bottom of this post you'll see some of our wedding photos, some of you have never seen his face, I blurred them as much as possible, I'm sorry for my horrible scribble skills, HA! My guess is that it will make you physically uncomfortable to look at the photos of the two of us knowing what you know now. (As long as you didn't start on this blog post)
My wedding was nothing short of a fairy tale. But in all honesty, it’s constantly painful to think about how that fairy tale moment actually was a fairy tale. It wasn’t real life, it was pretend. It’s like we all got together and played dress up for a day. I refuse to call it our wedding, because obviously it shouldn’t have happened. So, now I will refer to it as the reunion—that’s what my friends call it anyway. Because it was too perfect to go to waste, for everyone. I had one of the most beautiful venues, in the most perfect place, with the most perfect people. And every day its something that I have to regret. Every fucking day. I didn’t even get the final wedding photos before we got divorced. I gave Kim Kardashian a run for her money.
The first time I went through the photos I was drunk with my friends. I cried on the couch with some wine and snapchatted my version of graphic design—poop emojis over his face. I still do that when he comes up on my Facebook memories. It’s reliving a moment that actually was a total sham. I have a version of it that was the truth to me, all the while my partner was standing in God’s creation, in front of everyone who loved us, and lied to my face about being faithful to me always. It wasn’t a lie to me. I didn’t lie. So, I had this version of reality that wasn’t reality. And suddenly my reality was rattled like a mother fucking maraca. Did I say reality enough times? One thing I haven't mentioned is that one of my dear friends was involved in my husbands infidelity. Like, she was in my wedding. So while I'm mourning the loss of a husband and partner, I was also dealing with losing a close friend. I try not to talk about it much because I don't want to hurt her, but she was just as dumb as a lot of these women that believed his lies.
So you know what? Here’s my moment. The one I didn’t have. Because that wedding was flawless. (except for the fact that there wasn’t AC in that building my bad people) God bless my wedding photographer, shout out to Jeramie Lu for dealing with me and dealing with the fact that I was divorced by the time I got these photos. Embarrassing. I will never have that opportunity, with those people together in one room, ever again in my life. Even right now, this is hard. I’m crying going through each photo. I hope you look at them and realize that people truly can be lied to and have no idea. EVERYONE at this reunion was lied to. These photos should make you feel ill. Except the ones of me looking like a fox. DAMN GIRL SLAY. Potential love interests, you're welcome.
To me though it’s still worth celebrating. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, because he and I lived in different realities. I have been sitting on these photos since January 1st, and I’m ready to present them in this way. Not all of them, but some highlights, true moments of joy and love. I had a day full of love, joy, and kindness and I don’t regret it. . I can never take back the money or give people back their time. I can’t get in the Dolorian with Doc. Tell past me what future me knows. I have to rejoice in it for what it was. A celebration of the love I do have in my life. Who would want to forget Shelly rapping EVERY verse to Ice Ice Baby, Danging together to September, Aubrey's killer Air Guitar, The breathtaking ride up the gondola, staying in a mountain home together seeing my friends make new life long friends, and laslty listening to my friends play and sing together. And when I think about it, a minimal piece of that went away. I will be eternally grateful for this day that I was given. I will not let anyone change that.
So if you were there, I’ll apologize one more time. But I really don’t apologize, because look back at what a wonderful time we had, and what we shared. We had so much fucking fun. We laughed, we cried, we danced, we drank a shit ton, and the cake was so good. No Ragrets friends. Keep Shining.Don't be afraid of the changes life brings, you never have to pretend like something didn't happen.