Blog Fam, have you ever wanted to just enjoy spending time with someone you’re attracted to and not feel weird, like them too much, not get crazy, not get super attached? I HEAR YOU ALL SAYING “YAAAAAS”. Say it again for the people in the back. LADIES, YOU CAN SPEND TIME WITH A MAN YOU LIKE, NOT BE CLINGLY, HAVE FUN, AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. MEN YOU CAN DO THE SAME. I feel like Oprah!
Did I just blow your mind? Well make sure you’re sitting down because we are about to crush some stereotypical “dating” factoids. Again, Dad, don’t read this one. Blog fam, remember I’m not shy, I’m going to tell it how it is. Dad stop reading this if you’re reading this. You guys think I’m joking about my Dad, but I really don’t want him to ever read this.
We must talk about what it means to casually date. You all know I was/am on tinder when I feel alone. So, in most cases if I meet a new person it ends up being from online. I’ll tell you that so far, only 2 out of the 700 or so matches (I’m a mother fucking catch but wow I’m lonely a lot) I’ve had over the past 9 months have been worth a dang. Not that everyone is shitty, but let’s define them as people that intrigue me in real life. You heard about one of them in the T for Tinder post. How he has become a wonderful friend to me and a reminder that I need to have standards. Well let’s talk about Number 2 while we are at it.
Number 2 and I matched as I was in the midst of reading this book called “The Love Gap”. If you haven’t checked out the page of my book suggestions do it after this, K? The Love Gap basically is about the different type of men an “End Goal” woman like me—and you—encounter during dating and just how to date them. The best information I have retained from the book is admitting to yourself when you’re not ready to date someone seriously. Men do it all the time. Often, they know what they want as their “End Goal”, but when it’s staring them in the face a little too soon, they freak out and disappear. One of the men interviewed for the book summed it up well: “Who I want to end up with is different from who I want to be with right now”. As the “EG” woman you have the power to control the situations you enter. You are intelligent, powerful, and confident. And while you may be an “EG” woman, it doesn’t mean you have to seriously date anyone.
Number 2 is an “EG” Man, let me just get real with you. I forced him to read this, so he knows what I think about him. TBD if he disappears post reading this because we for sure aren’t dating. First of all, he is THE MOST easy on the eyes, has a dope job at a trendy sparking bev company, is intelligent, has a good family, is like 6’3…HELLO, can hold conversations—fun ones at that, has a perfect smile—and laugh, likes adventures, dresses well…And I won’t say we’ve had sex but if we did, it was pretty good multiple times. But I’m not saying we did. I texted my friend about it at one point…see screenshot. I did slightly exaggerate. I really thought he was going to bring me free (insert product he sells) but he has yet to.
So now you’re all done reading that thinking “CHASE HIM…MAKE HIM LOVE YOU…HE’S THE ONE”.
Do I "like him", like him? Well sure I probably do, or could if I tried, but I am in control of my feelings. People, I am not ready to date another person. I am very aware of my situation. But, how wonderful is it to know that there are these perfect humans that are in MY league that I can make connections with out there? If he asked me to date him I would say hell yeah just give me a few months. What. Who said that.
Number 2 has gotten nervous a couple times. Thought about ending our fling. I don’t know if it’s because he assumes I can’t casual date, or if it’s because I’m super dope and hard not to fall in love with. Real tough to say—it’s probably option 2. I think I’m in a very esteem boosting position because for once I know where I stand with someone. It was established from the beginning that we were both interested in casual situations nothing exclusive or defined. I don’t reach for his validation constantly (I may have asked for a compliment the other day if we are being real) but I have my own confidence. He certainly doesn’t reach for mine. So, when we are together we just have a good time. It’s absolutely wonderful. And, I don’t have to think about where it’s going when, or how I’m going to get there. There’s no game to play. I think I’m setting the stage for my mindset in a future relationship with someone. I’m not saying it can’t be with Number 2, or even Number 1, or maybe even number 76, for that matter, I don’t even know if I’ll be with someone again. It certainly won’t be with Number 22 though I’ll write about him another time. Who the fuck knows blog fam! I’m saying that going forward there are a few key things I’ll have my mind focused on if and when I enter into a relationship.
1. I’m not trying to find the end of this rainbow. If it’s meant to happen it’ll happen.
2. I’m not seeking validation, because I have self-confidence. Someone that is interested in me will show it in their own ways.
3. My future relationships are between me and another person. I won’t have an incessant need to share it on social media and put on a presentation for other people.
4. Be positive about the connections you make and if they aren’t lifelong romantic ones, don’t be disappointed.
5. Communicate with the other person. If you feel yourself being interested in more, tell them. And, don’t be afraid of them saying they don’t want that from you because then they aren’t the right person or it’s not the right time.
6. When you’re ready for the “EG” Man, remind yourself that’s what you want. Don’t waste time on people that don’t meet your standards.
I’ve learned a lot from going on casual dates. I am not saying it’s easy, either. I’m sure I tend to be a little clingy for Number 2’s taste. I ask him to hang out a lot but that’s because I genuinely enjoy his company. I could easily be his friend, I think we are friends. I am learning how to balance “I want to be friends with you, be intimate with you, but not date you”. It’s very easy to be around him. One time he had a confetti gun in his pocket just so I could shoot it off in my kitchen. If that’s not End Goal I don’t know what is. I’ve learned who I don’t want to date by process of elimination. It’s taken me a few months to figure out that having standards doesn’t make you a bitch. I’ll never ghost someone, I’ll always just be straightforward. Sometimes men will perceive you as a bitch when you're honest, their opinion is irrelevant in your life. Shine you bad bitch.
The last piece of the Love Gap that I would care to share is being okay with the guy who is in the grey area—like Number 2—as long as you can do the grey area emotionally. If this was back when I was 20, I would have never been able to do this. I was a jealous, insecure young woman which is not uncommon. Manage your expectations and know that he’s not going to reach to be with you or give you grand gestures. If it’s meant to be something else, even if it’s years down the road it will happen because of the connection you made. Don’t have the expectation that down the road you’ll fall in love either. Just be pleasantly surprised if it does happen. You don’t ever have to force someone into loving and valuing you. That is not a healthy relationship, you are better off single. When the right person comes along it will be a natural part of what they have to offer you. It doesn’t happen right away either. So be open to the idea that it could happen with any person you’ve connected with down the road. In the meantime, focus on letting your bright ass light shine, because first and foremost the most consistent love you will ever have is self-love.