I had the “pleasure” of finding out about my partners infidelity really close to the New Year. Do you know what this means? It means everyone, and their God Damn Mom was saying “New Year, New You” to me. Not that I don’t love people’s words of encouragement but DAMN. NO NEW ME IS NECESSARY, I AM ME, I AM GREAT. I really struggled with this idea that suddenly I had to become a new person because my relationship was over. Doesn’t that go against everything we tell people? You still have your own identity in a relationship, you still are your own person when you get married. Why did people feel the need to tell me that I had the ability to become a “New Me?”. Oh, I won’t keep you hanging you know I’ll tell you. But let's start with a before and after..This was before my last relationship, and last week. I promise you at the core this person is the same. Can't you tell? I'm just a little blonder and have eaten a few more cookies.
I think it’s because people fear making changes. Which is a legitimate fear don’t get me wrong. But, changes we make in our life don’t make us a new person. People inherently stay the same at their core. Which is one of the reasons my partner and I could never reconcile. You can change on the surface, or say you want to change but deep down you’ll always be a narcissist. It doesn’t matter what we do to try and change, there are some things that define us and always will. I’ll never not be afraid of heights, or spiders, I will never not love dogs. I will always be nervous about walking into dark rooms, thrilled by getting in front of an audience. I’ll always be a hopeless romantic, I’ll whisper that’s what she said at the wrong times. I’ll laugh when I’m supposed to be crying, I’ll cry often. I’ll fall in love with everyone I met and I’ll never say no to an adventure.
People expected me to change all of these things about myself to make a statement. But I think I just have strengthened and solidified what has always been inside me. Nothing about me has really changed except I got rid of a dead weight that took a great deal of my energy. Now that energy goes more towards self, and there’s some trickle down to my friends. My friends notice the most when we go out—which I didn’t do a lot when I was dating someone. I dance in public, I run down the street, I sing out loud no matter where we are, I enjoy life. They notice when I take time out of my day to do something special. But, I have always done those things, I’ve always put my energy into making other people smile and having a good time. I just put a lot of it into another human being which means they didn’t see it as much.
I’m not saying I didn’t make changes. I went blonde. Like really blonde. It was a process. Every time I think I can’t get blonder I just do. God Bless Steph Perry the Hair Queen. One of my favorite memes is “Women don’t cry and eat ice cream anymore, they dye their hair, buy a new wardrobe and pierce their titties” FUCK YEAH. I got a huge tattoo, like huge (Sorry Dad, how many times have I apologized to my Dad?). My tattoo is a constant reminder that I am strong, and that there are people and places and experiences that make me strong: Mom, Dad, home, poetry. It’s huge, I waited exactly 6 months to get it, and it’s beautiful. I didn’t pierce my tits so I guess we can all take a breath about that one. My parents were the type of parents that said they would rip out or iron off unauthorized piercings and tattoos respectively. So that is quite a sore subject in my household.
I’m still waiting for that “revenge body” to come in. I think I have to work a little harder for that one to come around and honestly, it’s not a priority right now. I think my “Revenge Aura” is even better. I did however apply to be on the TV show “Revenge Body” By Khloe Kardashian—she’s the best Kardashian don’t even argue. And honestly, I think I was too confident about my current body in my application. It asked what I liked about myself and I found myself with an endless list: My legs, My hair, My toes (seriously gorgeous), Long Nail Beds, Nice Tan, Clear Skin…And then I was like hmmm maybe I don’t really need a revenge body HA! They asked what I didn’t like, and I had one answer, my stomach. (Get Over it Aime) It was a beautiful experience to go through those questions and realize I really love myself and don’t think getting a flat stomach will solve my life’s insecurities or problems. Never make that change because you think you aren’t good enough. Make it because you want to make a commitment to your health and your body. You’ll be more successful and committed to overall well-being.
Oh, and I forgot to mention I’m writing this from the Social Security office where I’m waiting to change my last name back to Karam. Further proving that in fact the old me was whole. That I have this wonderful opportunity to commit myself to loving the life I have and making small changes to enhance this life. When the next person comes around that is worth my time, they’ll have the opportunity to know the same me, to love my new blonde hair, my big ass floral tattoo, but also my deep seeded love for others, my fear for spiders and the dark. There’s no new me to offer, my bright ass light is just shining for everyone to see now, not one person.