Hey Blog Fam! I had the opportunity to be on my coworker Falen's podcast, so I thought I would pair it with this weeks post. I apologize ahead of time for my language and tears. I am thankful to have the ability to share with all of you and now her podcast listeners as well. This hasn't been and never will be easy, but remember if you're going through pain you're never alone. Listen to it on iHeart Radio or iTunes in Episode 8.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you cried a lot and couldn’t figure out why? Have you ever had someone make you feel like you needed them? Have you ever met someone that has this sick talent of turning something they did wrong into something you did? And when you’re in it, it’s not clear. But when you’re out of it, it punches you in the god damn face. That’s a bit of what it was like for me.
My partner and I developed a relationship very quickly, and honestly it was strengthened by a tragedy that happened in my life. In 2013 I lost my mom very suddenly. And I mean suddenly. You see I was in basic training in Fort Sill OK (a horrible place mind you) separated from the world. No cell phone, no internet, just the people around you and the “mission”. I was pulled into the office after some afternoon training. I stood in front of her, and the commander looked at me and said Red Cross called. My initial thought was that something happened to my grandmother. She was around 90 at the time and I’m not a stranger to people passing away. When she said my Mother, I didn’t hear what she said after it. Literally she said, “your mother” and I fell down into a chair. And it was not a your mom joke. My head fell into my hands and I heave cried. I traveled home to be with my family. In the course of 8 days we had to pull our 55 year old mother off life support, tell our family what had happened, get everyone to Reno, plan and execute a funeral, and make sure her wishes were all respected. It’s a lot for any family and it was a lot for this 20 year old girl.
During that time, I had my phone, and soon to be partner was a rock for me. He would call me every hour. He would stay on the phone while I slept. He built trust just on those actions. I believe your heart is the most open when something tragic happens. You hug strangers, you hold anyone’s hand, you cry when you see the sun rise. I let someone in. Someone I thought was kind and understanding. I will never look poorly on what he did for me, but I do think it was part of how he developed my dependence on him. He knew I was a people pleaser and he ran with it. By the time we moved in together, I was dependent on his company, and his physical presence. It was like a drug for me, an anti-depressant. I wanted his validation daily. I’ve since learned that sociopaths like Charles Manson would lure women in like this. I listened to a podcast about how he wooed a girl at Berkeley after a tragedy struck in her family. I’m not saying I married Charles Manson, but like they had a few similar traits…too harsh? I know. My bad. The point is, Narcissists don’t think of anyone other than themselves. Even if they are kind, there is an agenda.
As our relationship progressed, I would become more insecure. I joked that he was a 10 and I was a 7. How sick is that? Every day was a challenge to make him happy. I’d get ready for work and seek his validation every morning—do I look okay, can you just open your eyes and look before I go? And with this dependence I think he got away with more and more. On nights where he went to practice I would cry. He would constantly tell me to see a therapist. This is where we will approach the biggest 4 red flags in my relationship, and how I was talked into, and talked myself into believing each and every time that it was my fault.
1. After being with him a year I found out he was on Tinder. When I confronted him, he told me he had no friends. He moved to the town we were in to be with me, and he didn’t know how to meet new people. I’m pretty sure he even cried. I felt HORRIBLE. OF COURSE, this man I love is just looking for friends because I made him move to a new place and get a new job and I was his only friend. (see that black magic where he made it my fault?) I explained to him that tinder wasn’t an app for making friends. He agreed to delete it, I trusted that he deleted it. Okay Aime, you were an idiot but, like, I guess we will move on.
2. After moving to the Twin Cities we had agreed to not have snapchat because he saw a friend of mine shirtless in a snap that was sent to me. (somehow my fault) I woke up one morning and saw snap notifications up the wazoo and saw they were all from women. He told me it had been so long since we agreed to delete it he just “forgot” to tell me. Oh, and he was only following porn snapchats they weren’t actual people that he was engaging in sexual activity. Why don’t you trust me? He would say. BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING PEOPLE AND MOST LIKELY THOSE PEOPLE.
3. I saw a message on his phone from her, the friend, that said “love you too” with nothing before it, nothing after it. I flipped my lid. He told me I was being crazy (gaslighting), that it was obviously an accident, they weren’t even talking on messenger couldn’t I see? I went to work that day and he sent me a screenshot of her telling him she was so sorry and that it was an accident. I apologized for being crazy. 4 months later I found out she and my husband had been actively dating for 9 months.
4. I went to Chicago and he was going to stay over at a friends house (a guy) the next morning he would only text me, wouldn’t answer the phone. Then on the drive home I had a panic attack. He said those famous words he would always say to me “you should see someone—a therapist”. Then suspicion ensued and I became that crazy fucking bitch.
You see, I went three whole red flags before I went into crazy wife mode. I think people are so quick to mention that women are crazy or that they get crazy. I was justified and if you don’t think so, you can gtfo off my blog. By November I was having reoccurring dreams where he would tell me he slept with 6 people. He would be stone cold in the face, not an emotion on him. I’d wake up sweating and he would get me water and tell me “dream him is an asshole”. My body was physically not okay. My hands were swelling, my wedding ring wouldn’t fit. I actually bought silicone wedding rings because I couldn’t keep mine on.
My entire being knew. But I let this person have control of me. I was never crazy, I was ignoring the signs that were in front of my face out of fear and lack of confidence. I trusted someone that never earned my trust. I will never make that mistake again. I didn’t love and empower myself prior to starting this relationship. I think if I would have, it would have ended it at Red Flag 1, and not let my insecurities about loneliness get in the way. So here I am, and while it was quite the lesson to learn, and it took me quite some time, I am so proud to say that I will never enter a relationship without having full confidence in myself and my bright ass light.