First, some wisdom from the almighty John Mayer:
“Just be fucking honest about how you feel about people while you’re alive.”
This new magical land of dating has been quite the ride for me. We aren’t talking about the type of ride in the song “Pony” either. The most difficult part isn’t the endless dates, or the ones that don’t work out. The absolute worst part is when you hit it off texting or talking to someone and then within day or two they disappear off the planet. They ghost you. Let’s start with Urban Dictionary’s definition: “When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re talking to, with zero warning or notice before hand. The act of suddenly ceasing all communication in the hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.”
I will tell you that ghosting is one of the number one self-esteem killers in my life. I have no idea why it bothers me so much that someone I don’t know, and have never met, feels that I’m not worthy of their legendary (I’m rolling my eyes) conversation or presence. Typing it even makes me feel dumb. Probably because I have never been afraid to be honest with someone if I’m not into them, especially from behind a keyboard. That’s the easiest way to confront someone anyways, why do people have to disappear? It never happens with people that don’t spark my interest, it always happens with guys I hit it off well with. People that you start texting and literally can’t stop texting the night you get their number. Seemingly they’re the same way. WE ‘BOUT TO THROW DOWN SOME SCREEN SHOTS. Let’s look side by side. You tell me that these dudes showed signs of ghosting. VS the men that had the balls to tell me they weren’t interested—Oh that’s right just one so far.
The most recent incident was with a dude that started the convo by saying he really doesn’t ever do the tinder thing. He doesn’t use it to pick up a ton of women, and that he doesn’t play games. He is like the straw that broke the camels back on this whole ghosting thing. He was really cool, we hit it off famously (red flag apparently), and every text back and forth was like a fucking NOVEL the next couple days. I was actually so excited to meet this human, even if it was just to be friends. I don’t care what it turned out to be. It was so fun to flirt, and we snapchatted, I literally didn’t put my phone down for 4 hours. We talked for three days, and he left me on talking about books, and podcasts. Swoon, am I right? He was going to send me some suggestions. RIP new book lists and podcast. I totally know I fucked up when I sent him a response to his text. Then texted him “Happy Saturday!” The next morning. THEN got frustrated and asked what my best play was, THEN drunk texted him about how ghosting isn’t cool…Are you wincing yet? Why the fuck can’t I just play it cool? I can’t do it with anyone… I get it—I fucked that one up. I don’t play this game well AT ALL. I’m really clear about that when I start talking to a guy. If I want to talk to someone, I will try to talk to them.
Let’s talk about what’s wrong with me. Everyone has flaws, even 10s! I know I can be overbearing, I know I am over-friendly, and I know that I can come off clingy when I’m not. It’s my nature to be that way even when I’m trying to make friends. I LOVE to talk, which can end up in me sending multiple texts at a time. My brain is so excited it can’t contain things in a single text. Even my friends can be overwhelmed by that, or my friendliness and invites to go out. Why does that need to come with a warning label? When it does, it’s a really weird warning label too “Just so you know I can be over friendly and come off like I really like you when I don’t”. Isn’t the point to like someone? This is all so confusing, what the fuck.
I also know that some men read my blog and decide I’m undateable or even unmeetable. THEY’VE NEVER EVEN MET ME. That’s what gets me. Most of these dudes judge me before they even sit down for a beer with me. I think it’s because they’re scared to hang out with a woman who is so candid and transparent. She’s written about her ex-husband, about sex, and about guys on her blog! That means she will write about me! DON’T FLATTER YOURSELF DOUCHES. The men I write about exclusively have some lesson worth learning be it good or bad: like No. 1, No. 2, or No. 22. And unless you’re a super douche like No.22 or Ex Husband, you get to read my post before it goes live.
Then there’s the feeling you get after you’ve been ghosted. Did they see an embarrassing picture of me? Did I have a double chin? Maybe they thought I was skinnier than I am? Is it my new haircut? I know that swimsuit pic isn’t super flattering, but I thought I looked cute! Was it really that I sent three texts in a row? Did they read my blog? Do they know I’m divorced, or that I’ve been kinda slutty before? I’ll just send them another confronting text it’ll be fine. No, stupid, don’t do that. It’s an endless hole of questions that leave you feeling insecure, shitty, and most of all alone. I’m sure I’m being dramatic, but when it’s happened so many times without an explanation it really gets to me. I even thought one time that maybe my Ex was behind it all. Like a conspiracy theory, which I know is actually crazy, so I let go of that real quick. If you didn’t know before, I am definitely an overthinker, but you should know that by now.
I have assumed that a lot of men google me or look me up on social once they find my last name—which used to be on snapchat. I have had multiple men mention it to me while talking. Funny thing is, most of them don’t read the whole thing and assume it’s about bashing men, or that I’m not over my ex. So, we can say that women are “crazy” and stalk people on social, but so far, I’m experiencing more “crazy” with men then I could have ever imagined. It’s crazy to tell someone you’re excited to meet them one day and disappear the next. In some cases, is has happened 20 minutes before a date. That is INSANE in my opinion.
Do ghosters realize they’re wasting people’s time and energy? Like before that date I was showered and about to drive off when I noticed he deleted me on snap and unmatched me. 20 MINUTES. Carol King might as well change the title of her song for the new generation of ghosters. “But Will You Talk To Me Tomorrow?” I would love to share ghosting stories from you guys. Please, please, please slide into my DMs and share a story of ghosting. I want to post them all together and I won’t use your name. I’m sure it’ll be a good laugh! Guys and Gals need to know they’re not alone. Let’s not let ghosters dim our bright ass lights. It’s a great reminder never to let someone else effect how you feel about yourself.