SLUT PHASE

Hi Friends, it’s been awhile and I’m sorry. The funny thing is that I often forget the blog is a living, breathing work. How artsy did that just sound? I hear from people across the US, even from other countries out of the blue about how what I have written has affected them in some way, and I want to just say first and foremost THANK YOU. I started this as an opportunity to heal. Writing is an outlet I have truly never exercised because frankly I found it to be a little silly. Writing words down that no one will consume or gain from. Jokes on me though, huh. Thousands of people have read this thing. In fact tens of thousands. What the fuck are y’all doing with your life that you want to read this? But who am I to judge?! I’m glad the consumption of my writing has resonated with many of you. I also hope to keep up with you, though the drama in my life declines as I type—which is definitely what I need.

I want to revisit the dating scene topics, and self confidence issues. In this post, we are also proclaiming an official end to Slut Phase 1.0 and 2.0. I’m lately trying to empower myself to realize that knowing what I want, and not settling for less is extremely vital to my happiness in any future relationship. Reminding yourself that you have much to offer, and that you can find someone that is your equal gets hard when you are in the thick of it. Of course it’s hilarious to see how many online dates I’ve gone on, and how many times I have been ghosted, but what I haven’t shared is how it truly chunks away at my self-confidence each day. I also think it sets me further away from a relationship. I attempt to make light of it by sharing on Instagram, or by making jokes in my social circles. But let me be very clear with you all: it fucking sucks when someone that isn’t good enough for you deems you unworthy of their time or disrespects you in some way. I am so fucking over it.

Originally, I thought my solution would be to power through the ghosting, that I could hunt for the right guy, find the needle in the haystack. I often thought I was being too sensitive when someone ghosted me or unmatched me, or what have you. I have been completely human about it. I know that I can’t meet the person I will be with on tinder, or bumble or hinge because those aren’t my people. I’m sure I’ll redownload it in a moment of weakness (aka intoxication) but at the end of the day I have admitted to myself that it’s not my medium. That’s hard to admit though even as I write it because so many people I know have met their person on an app like tinder. At this point I’ve swiped through far too many people with shallow intentions expecting a deep meaningful return. I’ve been bullshitting myself. Which is partially why I haven’t found success. I haven’t had the discipline to say to myself “this person isn’t good enough, get moving”.

I know part of it is the attention, right? It’s often inevitable that when talking to a man from an app, things get heated pretty quickly. Or sometimes I give off hoe vibes. People aren’t afraid to flirt HARD through the keyboard. I’m not going to pretend I don’t like to flirt that way, that’s why I end up in this predicament. They say things to you, they’re seemingly attracted to you, they want to see pictures of you, they want you to talk about dirty things, and you skip over the best part. When you get to know someone at their core, you develop a sense of prideful ownership over them. You become a piece of them, and you protect them, you love them, and you want them closer.

As I develop new relationships in Colorado I’m reminding myself that others really do see me in high regard. Even my newest friends are protective over me. Which is strange when I compare it to dating. In fact I went on a date just yesterday (not sure if it was an actual date to be clear) but I was so worried about him liking me. My dearest friend kept saying—he should worry about you liking him. Really? Why? He knows I already like him…why don’t I know that he already likes me? Even after a date I’m struggling to really know when a man is interested in who I am vs getting it in. Would someone talk to me for weeks just to have sex? Well yeah, that’s happened multiple times.  I connected the two things—physical and mental intimacy—for a very very long time. I even think physical intimacy drove the mental intimacy in my last relationship. How do I now switch to making sex, and passion an intimate occurrence when I have so freely given it away? Don’t get me wrong, slut phase had its fun times but damn… I’ll be real with you all I have no clue if I will ever be physically open and vulnerable with another person in the same way I was with my ex. I remember times with that person where I would feel desired, and loved after physical intimacy. That feeling has long disappeared. Where I would feel safe and beautiful. I haven’t felt that way in a long time, and I don’t know why I haven’t wanted it. It has been relatively easy to have sex without expectations, or hurt. It has been hard to give emotionally and end disappointed. It’s why I am more hurt when I’m ghosted by a man that wants to text all night, or talk in the phone, or wait weeks to met if we are far away…My heart is in that. It’s more than just showing someone my boobs. Ha. I don’t think I’ve noticed how easy it is to say I want something casual until I was ready to say I want something serious.

I’m ready to date. I know what I’m looking for. But, I don’t know if it will come around or how it will happen. The apps have offered nothing but a shallow perspective on how to acquire the next relationship. I know that my value is never going to come from how I look, how much I weigh, or how good my cleavage looks in that pic on my tinder. It will come from my intelligence, my passions, my independent and confident nature, and okay sometimes my great style. Those things don’t come off in a swipe baby girl!

In the meantime I’m going to do the things I enjoy, and have a good time. I’m not going to seek validation from dating apps that end in shallow miscommunication or self deprecating relationships. I know intimacy starts with emotional connection and ends in physical connection. I won’t drown myself in sexual encounters that ultimately lead in lack of pleasure or connection. I am better than that, and I deserve something that makes my bright ass light even brighter. Cheers to the end of slut phase Blog Fam.