The ole five letter word. So elusive, so annoying, and so necessary. Have you ever had an experience where you lose your faith and trust in another person and suddenly you question everything people say to your face? I’m sure you have, that was rhetorical. Everyone on the face of this mother fucking planet has had someone lie to them and has had to question the validity of another person’s actions or statements. And you know what? That’s life. Life is getting hit in the face with a softball, getting a bloody nose, falling down, getting all fucking dirty, getting back up, and then having it happen again in a week or so. But you still get back up every time.
Do we owe trust to any person we encounter in our life? Um…No. Straight up, you never will blindly trust another person. Nor should you be expected to. Everyone is walking around with “trust issues”. It’s starting to get old hearing people talk about why they have them, where they came from, if they can ever get over it. I’m not in the camp of trusting everyone I encounter because 50% of the people you meet are full of shit 100% of the time. My trust is something to be earned. Being welcomed into my life as anything other than an acquaintance is something to be earned. It can start with little things: having a phone number, inviting someone into your home, sharing a deep conversation. To me, those are the steps to building trust with another person be it friendship or romance.
I recently went on a few dates with a man I was very intrigued by. He seemed kind, social, and honest. I thought our first date was going well until about two hours in when he told me “you can tell me anything”. Um what? Dude, I just fucking met you, I don’t even know your last name, we haven’t even shared a meal together. My head started spinning—obviously this guy hasn’t dated someone like me “trust issue girl”. My initial reaction was obviously fear. OBVIOUSLY. I’m not about to tell intriguing man that I am a 26-year-old divorcee who married a gross lying cheater, who’s moved across the country to start a new life. I’m not ready to tell him that, why does he believe he is ready to receive “anything” from me? Is it naïve of him? Or is it guarded of me?
I wasn’t ready to tell him. And often times when I’m not ready to tell someone, and I tell them, I sweep my issues under the rug. I act like it wasn’t a big deal to me.
I’ll be like:
“Yeah I married this guy (the love of my fucking life) but we were only married for a few months (we were together four years) no big deal it didn’t really count, right? (It totally counted I promised to love him forever in front of everyone I know and the big man upstairs) Ha…yeah…and he slept with some people (like 40 women) and I found out (because I didn’t trust him anymore because I was having dreams and found dick pics on his phone) and we broke up (I kicked him out very painfully and left my house in a matter of days). Now I write a blog (that tens of thousands of people have read) and I’ve moved here, and things are going well (every day is a new challenge, and I look in the mirror each morning to tell myself I’m worth it).” (And I don’t trust most people as far as I can throw them.)
I do not owe anyone my story. I choose to share it. And yes, I share it in this format with people who seek it out. But I don’t have to tell anyone these intimate pieces of my life until I am ready.
On date two with intriguing man, he kept saying “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to”. Do you really have to say shit like that? We met two days ago… Spoiler alert, we aren’t going on dates anymore. About a week later he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious. Of course, that is after I was dumb enough to sleep with him, and bring him over to my home, and share some pretty intimate details about my life. I even listened to him share a great deal about his. I’m not sure how much of it was true, because he certainly has changed his demeanor towards me since having sex. Experiences like that are why we have trust issues. You owe it to yourself to protect your heart. It’s okay to not let everyone in, and it’s okay to take it step by step. I’m not saying put a “Fuck You” stamp on your forehead. The conversations will happen when you’re ready. The ones about how you might be afraid of intimacy because of how you’ve been treated, or that you got hit by a softball in the face too many times so you flinched when they threw their keys at you, or that you got bit by a Dalmatian once so you hate them. Trust is a process, and it is earned. The right people will put in the work to earn that piece of you. The right people will see your bright ass light shining regardless of those silly “trust issues”.